The Journey of Letting Go

I thought I’d continue the theme of relationships in this post, albeit on a more personal level. Sometimes it can escape us to be mindful of where we once were to how we are now in our road to recovery and to the place of thriving.

Given the themes of abandonment and rejection that I’ve had meshed into me since my experiences as a young child, romantic relationships have always been the most challenging for me, but also the most sought out. I remember a time where I was consumed by the thought of having to always be alone and longing for a loving connection above all else. When I finally did make that connection, although being purely over the internet, it came with ecstacy and then the brief encounter led to me becoming manic and eventually psychotic when things came to an end.

With my first relationship with someone in person, I could see how easily I would become attached and become heavily dependent on the them. This, of course, set me up for failure when that also came to an end after a brief time. I went to a very dark and uncontrollable place, like I was never going to heal from the wound and all was crumbling down around me, with no escape from the torture. This led to me having suicidal thoughts and I was encouraged to go on antidepressants by my now ex-girlfriend, who still looked to help me. Upon starting this antidepressant, I almost immediately became even more depressed and ended up taking an overdose of the medication. I reached out and was taken to hospital, left in a dark room with the sound of my high heart rate as the only thought. This extreme reaction would later come with other relationships.

After a relationship that lasted the course of about two years, I found myself in the worst place I’d ever been to. I distinctly remember being in a psychiatric hospital, powerless in my bed, crying out and screaming like an infant at the thought of all the memories to do with that relationship. It went from being my greatest joy to my greatest nightmare. This was when I had a real serious go at suicide and took a substantial amount of medication to overdose again. I ended up in a medicated coma for about 5 days, waking up to the realisation of my actions. It was this which would be my greatest lesson. Sometime after I started therapy, which lasted over a period of 8 months. Through that painful process, I broke free from being tortured by my thoughts and came out of deep depression.

Coming to the present, I’ve recently been in another romantic relationship which has come to an end. Where once I would lose my mind, become psychotic or out of control with severe depression, comes the natural pains that come with the loss. While my triggers of abandonment and rejection are hit, I’m now able to keep it together. I still rely on the person to be in my life, but only because I value the friendship so much, as opposed to clinging on for dear life in case I become completely destroyed. I’ve grown enough and done my work to be safe now. That isn’t to say I’ve fully healed. I still have lingering issues on a more even playing field. However, coming through all this, with the cycle of infatiation, to love, to heartache and ultimate demise, to become stable in myself, shows how much I’ve grown and learned to handle my fears with more ease. The more we test ourselves, invite people into the most intimate part of ourselves, the greater the chance to learn and mature, until we become the person who we’re meant to be. Human connection is the most potent source of personal development when our issues come from the broken human connections we’ve faced in our early lives. It takes courage to not want to hide away and block out the world, which I have spent a lot of my life doing – putting off facing what I had to in order to overcome the obstacles.

With all this, I hope that what I’ve been given by others is enough for me to value who I am enough to lead my own life independently, without the fear of never having someone or never being loved again so closely.

In all this I hope my story gives encouragement to others to keep trying, to keep letting people in to appreciate the gift they have to offer. Through bliss and through suffering we experience the most of what life has to offer. We become who we’re meant to be. That’s what is worth living for.

The Connections Between Us

Early this year I had another episode of being manic, which led to me acting bizarre around a number of people, including friends. After coming back down to reality and becoming depressed for many months, I eventually got my health back to a reasonable state and had time to reflect on my actions. It was at this point I attempted to reconnect with the people I had disturbed in some way.

Unfortunately, when it comes to mental illness, there are those who can only see you for the person who is unwell, without recognising that you are going through the motions of being mentally ill and this becomes what you are judged by. Others distance themselves even if they do understand, because they don’t want someone in their lives who disrupts their world in that way. Very few seem to accept you and stand by you….so my attempts to reconnect with those who were affected mostly ended in disappointment and rejection. I lost a community of people who I was a part of and it was that blow that affected me most. All this results in more isolation. Recovering and making new contacts presents a greater challenge, especially in such a small town.

Another thing I wanted to mention, is that around all this I entered a romantic relationship with someone. While this is wonderful and I couldn’t be happier, I do have to take into consideration my ill health and the journey of building other connections, as well as creating a life for myself, without depending too much on the relationship for support. I think this is the important factor in having a successful relationship. No matter how understanding and how much your partner is able to relate to you, being able to manage and thrive with tackling your mental health alone, is in my opinion, essential. We have to depend on ourselves to overcome our difficulties, first and foremost.

While being around people who have similar mental health issues can help and certainly bring people together, it does not guarantee the success of forming a connection. I think a number of people who have mental health issues have been hurt by people in the past and it can take a great deal of trust and confidence to open up and form a bond with someone. From my own experiences, having lost so many people over the years, getting close to others comes with the anxiety of pushing them away or disturbing them to the point of losing them. What does it take for someone to stand by you when you lose your mind? I would say it takes someone to get to know the real you beyond the illness, being able to see you for who you are at heart, after all, we are not our mental illness; it is something we have to contend with in our everyday lives.

Saying all this, I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful with the partner I have in my life now and it encourages me to let other people in to form friendships with. It encourages me to create opportunities to band together with others and work with them. It encourages me to want to help others again, who have been where I have and know the difficulties with forming and maintaining relationships.

It’s the people in our lives that matter most and make a difference to the world we have around us. Being honest and open with who we are, where possible, will hopefully bring the people into our lives that we deserve and who deserve us in kind.

From Out of the Slumber

It finally feels like the right time to post something here again after the longest period of being lost to uncertainty, as well as many other limiting factors.

I’ve been experiencing a great deal of mild chronic depression, which has been problematic enough to restrict how I live my life, dictating what I do on a day to day basis – which is nothing much at all in the grand scheme of things. During this time I have come to question the notion of a spiritual world, choosing to sort of abandon it, albeit not completely.

Maybe it’s time to change gears on this blog once again and go in a different direction, but for now I don’t know what that direction should be. Maybe it’s the nature of this low level of consciousness I’m working with, operating in this depressive state that I only snap out of briefly once in a while, which prevents me from connecting to something more substantial and profound which I don’t get to witness in my everyday mundane life.

The thing about having a manic and psychotic experience is that when you get catapulted into a realm where anything you can imagine becomes possible and real, you’re given a unique perspective, first hand, to explore the age old questions which we can never find the final answers to and you eventually reach a clarity where you are completely connected to the totality of all that is, anchored in the moment, which then allows for the deepest insight available to you to bring about realisations that you never thought possible. Once you’ve tasted that state of reality, it becomes all the more disheartening and shattering to feel yourself fall back down to a place where the banal rules and the only thing that exists is what your basic senses can fumble to grasp.

I’ve taken it on myself to reach out for help and I’m waiting on seeing a counsellor and a Psychologist, which should be in another three months or so for the former. Hopefully during that therapeutic process I can try to elevate myself enough to feel connected more to a living world where I see a point and meaning to my existence. Until then it’s a case of being patient, tolerant and kind to myself so I can avoid crashing down any further and blocking out the world. I’ll also be seeing my Psychiatrist to discuss the efficacy of my medication.

On a more positive note, I’ve opened myself up to the idea of volunteering and sometime this year I may be in a position to contribute to making a change to how mental health services are delivered in my local area. I’m also looking to be a part of starting back up a peer support group where myself and others can see about helping one another through our daily grind of troubles. I have to hope my depressive mind allows me to undertake these endeavours successfully.

Well, that’s it for now. May you take something away from reading this if you got this far and find the light in your own life if you require it.

 

It Begins and Then…Just, Ends.

Well it’s a Saturday night and here I am in the comfort (or maybe that’s half discomfort too) of my isolation looking to ramble away again with a desire to produce something interesting for readers.

I could describe my mood as unusual and if I were to physically describe it, it would be like I want to reach deep into my body, sliding between all the grime, bones and what not to pull out something remarkable that has some kind of enigma to it. Something worth exploring to find deeper insight into the nature of simply being. It gets tiring though; there’s only so much worth you can find from your own psyche without contributing more experiences to it and finding more evolved ways to live your life.

Part of being in isolation and solitude does cause you to shut down, close up and start to lose your mind to depression and other such things, but the other side is that you find an element of spirit that is unmoved, always thriving and ready to produce anything that you would ever need – if only you can hang on to it. It’s that life force that you can rely on, no matter what situation you are in and no matter what you experience – if only you can remember that it’s there. The calm, present entity that we see as ourselves existing there constantly, even after death in this material realm if you so believe.

Yet we’re a species that always wants more. Even if we have everything we need it can never be enough, because we’re designed to evolve and move forward in some sort of direction to “better” ourselves…….and I would like to see this as what we’re all here to actually accomplish. As much as I want solid answers in my soul searching, I’m inclined to believe there is a greater living construct out there that we’re all tied to and it’s this construct or maybe it’s better to say “living entity” that will benefit from our collective worlds that we all create for ourselves. Because it is like our own universe when we delve deep enough inside to discover what is really going on. We could house our own universe to help expand the existing one, readying it for further life capable of existing due to our new contribution.

Well there’s a lot of maybes, could bes and what ifs for one post.

Coming back to what we consider reality, I’m looking for something that answers the seemingly unanswerable questions still because if all we need to do is to keep breathing to accomplish our original designed outcome, then I need to know why it was necessary in the first place. Having a life in itself is not enough to constitute a reason.

Then we come back to that unmoved spirit – that we look to hang on to and remember is there and all those rambled thoughts dissolve.

So there is that cycle of birth and rebirth as permeating the world around us.

Another ramble ends.

T=M

The Solace of Human Kindness

As frustrated as I was the other day I can say that this early morning I do value the company of people going through different but yet somehow similar struggles and the company of people coming together for a common hobby.

The beauty of what I learnt in helping run a general mental health peer support group in the past was that regardless of the unique personal journey that someone had come down, there was always something that that person could find within the journey to relate with and connect to other people who had something different to tell. There’s common themes within that struggle, whether it be depression, anxiety or “psychosis” and so on, that all come back to the essence of being human. It’s the human condition that we can all identify with and it’s that which brings us together to feel less alone and want to help one another. It’s something that I can easily forget when I feel lost in the world and setting up a peer support group again is something which I feel strongly about in these coming weeks.

In other news I’ve been given one of my older anti-psychotics to replace my new (but ancient in the history of meds) anti-psychotics due to the side effects being preferable with my older one. There’s a transition period where I have to take both, but so far I haven’t minded the side-effects. In all this I met the Psychiatrist that currently resides at my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) for the first time and we got on well enough as far as doctors go. Part of me wants to tough it out on the medication, part of me wants to be free of it. I think if I spent more time in nature and had more holistic options to help myself I’d be better for it and get a stronger sense of spirit, which I have lacking right now.

There’s a danger to be superficial and absurd when it comes to spiritual beliefs and I’m doing my best to remain connected to something grander than myself based on my own personal lived experiences rather than relating everything to something created by man as a means to make sense of the world. What I mean is that rather than accepting something as accurate and true from a spiritual source based on age old mysticism or elaborate systems and methods of working based on nothing grounded in actual research, I want to accept something that I can see working in action and feel with my own senses, perceptions and way of being. If I record something I want it to be as genuine as possible.

Psychiatry doesn’t allow so much for the pure experience found in what they call psychosis to express itself without medication in a safe environment. There are projects such as Soteria House here in the UK, which has once been established in the US, which offers the kind of environment for people with little to no medication which is very much needed, but to have something that caters for people who wish to make sense of their experience on a spiritual level is where I feel there needs to be something established. It comes back to having a unique therapeutic working relationship with a specifically tailored kind of Psychotherapy and a team to support that.

Of course beggars can’t be choosers and here on the NHS we have to accept the only kind of sanctuary that’s available when things go awry – that of a Psychiatric hospital where medication is compulsory and forced on patients if they refuse, along with the idea of Electro-Convulsive Therapy still being used.

I can only hope to one day live in a western world where what I “suffer” from is not considered as a disease or sickness, but as a profound condition for greater learning and understanding of the human condition that should be allowed to run it’s course if the individual so chooses. Until then, being there for my fellow human on that different but similar journey is where I’ll have to be.

And That’s the Waaay it Goes.

Lately I’ve felt closed down spiritually and…..rather than continue with a list of things that I could talk about in how I’ve not been doing as well as per usual I think I’ll go off in a different direction.

Pure rambling, as I’m not coming in with any preconceived idea of what I want to write – maybe I’m just writing for the sake of writing right now. I wonder if a single post from someone seemingly insignificant can have a ripple effect on someone who is searching for meaning in their own life. It’s simply not enough to survive, even when that can mean the world to you. There reaches a point where being a more efficient mechanism for change is more appropriate and it goes beyond a search for meaning and worth. Meaning and worth is already there it’s simply knowing how to best utilise that. It’s rare to find people who genuinely want to make a difference in this world beyond their own self interests to obtain greater riches and rewards. Some of us are not in it for exuberance or fine material riches that overwhelm and dominate a person’s life. Some of us are are wanting to envision a world where human kind comes first and people have exactly what they need, rather than what they’re brainwashed into thinking they need and go out to strive to achieve.

It’s not a new message, especially from me, but I could say I’m tired of being around people who are happy not wanting to change, or being around people who think that having pleasure by any means possible is the way to go.

It’s a lonely world when all you think about is wanting to better yourself in order to be a better humanitarian for the people you hope you can one day make a positive difference to. Otherwise all those creature comforts sometimes taken for granted don’t mean much of anything. If we can’t be here to profoundly help one another, then it’s not a part of a world I want to be in.

Yet I’m not oblivious to the challenges people face in simply just trying to exist. Existing in itself is challenge enough without having to think of others. Perhaps they are the people in need the most, because living just for the sake of living is no place for anyone to be. We all need the freedom to express our thoughts, pick the life choices we want to make and maybe there’s an irony in me pointing that out, because how can we look to all be helping one another if we have different ideas about how we wish to live our lives. Some people simply want to be selfish after a long period of having to exist without anyone caring about them.

Maybe I’m looking to reach out to the people that would rather use their knowledge and experience to help people while they venture on their own personal journey, regardless what that may be. Coming from a town that doesn’t seem to care much about promoting activities and missions to push people forward in order to thrive leaves me a longing, searching and wanting for something better. Perhaps I can be a catalyst and strive to create something better, if only a minuscule level. Maybe that’s how it starts. I can’t do it alone though and I’m tired of being in solitude after these many years of ruminating on my own thoughts and where my place is in the world. One day you simply have to break free from the restraints you put on yourself. I don’t want to use clichés any more, I want to see thought put into action and a true difference being made. It could be something I start this moment.

The next step is the all important one.

Come to the Edge, but not Too Far.

Soooooo….how is it going in my world, some might wonder.

Well, I’ve been taking on a lot more since I got out of hospital and it’s kind of been a test to see what is too much to take on and where the line is to draw for me, where I need to stop myself from breaking. I’m sure now that I’ve had that realisation; that point where I can safely say “I’m ok hanging here for now, thanks”.

I recently got myself into a romantic relationship, which I’m very excited and happy about. I feel blessed to find someone I can talk to about anything for long periods of time and share intimate moments. Plus an interesting thing happened between us lately. We were both seeing the numbers 11:11 and other such recurring numbers. She would see 16 in numerous places and I would see things like 12:12 and other combinations of the same numbers. I know some of this is related to Angels and other such things, which is fascinating to read and research about if you haven’t.

As far as Psychiatry goes, I’m looking to meet with someone from my local mental health team to receive an appointment for the Psychiatrist to discuss my medication. I am not “Psychotic” any more so I don’t feel I should have to take anti-psychotics indefinitely, which one Psychiatrist at the mental health team actually said to me before now (a rare good guy among doctors). I’m also meeting with the worker from the mental health team to discuss a move to a new place. I requested a change of housing about two years ago, due to my place being detrimental to my health (being claustrophobic and making me feel trapped) and I have finally come to the top of the list to be given an alternative. I can only hope it will be more suitable and not a waste of precious time.

I’ve been embracing my spirituality as much as possible and I’ve met others and had conversations which I haven’t been able to have with people so much in person before now, which is refreshing. I’ve been using crystals and gem stones to protect and enhance my home and I’ve been making use of a Shaman Oracle Deck, when I’ve needed to ask questions and seek guidance. Plus I’ve been reading books of a spiritual nature too, which have started to have a profound effect already. I also went out of town to a nice shop where there were offers on gem stones and other helpful items, where I met the owner again and another guy who’s a Buddhist practitioner who I met many years ago. At that time I was out on temporary leave from the local Psychiatric hospital when I met him. It was a nice reconnection. Generally I feel more in-tune with the natural order of things, as opposed to the sick society and it’s people that I see around me. I have faith that this is a year for change where people will start to wake up more and realise enough is enough – we need to start doing a better job for ourselves and Mother Earth.

Only time will tell of course.

T=M

A Step in a Unified Direction

Since I’ve come out of hospital, things have been exciting and unexpected beyond belief. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I can create a way of living for myself.

The mental health services have simply left me alone to get on with things, for better or worse, which I’ve come to expect now – but I am fine with that to an extent. Some of the experiences I’ve had since coming out of hospital some people would believe, others would think I’m insane. Like, for example, I saw a light being while I was out one night which is definitely ET in it’s origin….but hey, I’m crazy right? Who would believe me. Some actually do.

I’ve also been having some better connections with people that I know I can work with on some level, whether it be spiritual or otherwise. I want to do good and be the best version of myself I can be. The path I walk shows others the path they can also choose to walk if they wish. There’s never any pressure for this, I am about gentle steps in this evolutionary process that we all face this year.

On other spiritual matters, I’ve been connecting with my higher self a lot more with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I get mixed messages to test me and other times it’s outright interference. I am working on bettering myself there. I’m also working on a novel based on various spiritual themes and beliefs that have already come before and I’m also looking to do charity work in-line with my higher self. Now is that time to start making a difference before it’s too late. We can’t simply sit by and do nothing in this time of change.

Saying all that, it’s been important for me to rest. I have challenges with the medication I take, but I will work on cutting it down with the mental health team which I will contact and ask for assistance (even though I am knowledgeable enough to do it myself). I would rather people are given reassurance rather than feel uncomfortable or forced to take action from a place of fear.

I seek perfect balance and calm in my life from now on.

T=M

Further down the Rabbit Hole

Below is something I typed in hospital which I have recently been released from. I was in there approximately one month. I had a spirit walk before going in, which is why some of my previous posts are a little inaccurate.

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These past four weeks or so I have been sectioned by law to a private Psychiatric hospital after I went on yet another Spirit walk (which is what I am calling my ‘psychosis’).

With the utmost clarity, it has become clear that these places are needed in order to evolve spiritually. It may seem challenging at first, going through extreme behaviour, due to your rights and privileges being taken away and medication being used, however what you gain in spite of that is solid connections between other “gifted” people on their very own journey and the exploration of your own. The patients always make the place and they always have something of great value to bring to relationships, even a simple acquaintance with a friendly gesture.

In my time here, I have met people who are multi-talented in a number of fields, including (of course) science and spirituality. What I have noticed is how strong someone’s faith can be and how the people here are in some way are connected deeply to a divine source, which they express. wholeheartedly The ones who find themselves lost are the ones still seeking that divinity.

There is also a huge amount of what has been coined “synchronicities” by new age beliefs, but there is something to it. For example, I met someone recently who has been in exactly twice as many hospitals as I have, and I have been in seven different places. The similarities don’t stop there. Something as universal as music brings us all together to communicate in ways we cannot readily express ourselves and it is very telling of where people are at in themselves too. I had the opportunity (on the initial ward that I came into which was an intensive care one) to play guitar and sing with two other people both especially gifted in music. Gifted enough to make it professionally without a doubt.

It’s these observations that make me feel it’s a blessing to be considered “mentally ill” even though I prefer “emotionally imbalanced” instead. All one requires to do is have faith you will get where you need to be, eventually, and then you will one day step out of the darkness into a much more promising light.

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