After 5 years of living in a depressed state, in isolation rarely going out into the outside world, I have arisen. I have also awoken to my true self.
It was also 5 years ago I had my last manic/psychotic episode, until recently.
About 9 weeks ago now, upon the psychiatrists advice, I re-tried an SSRI antidepressant called Sertraline aka Zoloft. I had stopped it before about 6 months prior because I was concerned about my blood pressure, which was getting high enough to cause concern. However, it turned out that these two factors were not related, which caused me to accept the advice and start taking the antidepressant again.
After about 4 weeks on a 50mg dose, there was a subtle improvement, noticed mostly by my support worker, as I had pushed myself to go outside walking with her and get some sunshine on my body. It was a welcome change and something I definitely wanted to keep up.
After those 4 weeks on the 50mg dose, I decided with the psychiatrist to up the dosage to 100mg. Then, another 3 weeks later or so something profound happened. I was getting well again. Only, there was something else going on. I wasn’t sleeping and I was getting more hyper, much to all my online friends distress. 4 days pass and then disaster happens.
During my 5 years in solitude I would be active on a daily basis to friends online via kik messenger and other social messaging platforms. The difference with kik for the most part is to be active in public and private groups which you and others can create…..but getting back to that 4 day period leading up to disaster.
I hadn’t slept for 4 days straight and in this time I had regained my spiritual self to it’s maximum capacity. I was going into all kinds of spiritual related groups on kik, and teaching others and learning about my re-discovered ancient knowledge. I will talk about this experience another time.
The culmination of mixing online with like and similar minds was that I would lose time and memory. I cannot stress how awful this experience was. I had been urinating on myself trying to go to the toilet properly and I had no energy to change myself. Other ideas were popping in my head, and I thought my time was up. I was too tired to go anywhere and needed sleep badly, but at the same time my mind was energised and awake, not wanting to lose and let go of what I had waited so long to feel at long last.
To be continued…
So, what happened next?
I took a leap of faith and decided to walk barefoot on a 30 minute walk to my mother’s place with the hope that she would be there. During this gruelling walk I was being contacted by all my friends online who were trying to reach me, but the state I was in was simply too much for me to focus on replying, no matter how much in pained me and disturbed me to not be able to.
I eventually made it to my mother’s place and knocked on the door. Other times my delusions had got the better of me and the house was empty. This time, she answered.
With great relief I found sanctuary in my mother’s place and then from there we were able to work together to help me out of this ordeal. I slept, gained my composure and then went ahead with planning my future, repairing relationships and generally picking up the pieces.
Today, as I write this, I am now finally well after 40 years of struggling through the mental health system, both through my parents as a child and my own experiences as an adult. I still have a long way to go, I still get triggered and have childhood trauma to resolve. I have a living to make for myself. I have projects I’ve started and want to see through. However, more importantly, I have the love and support of my true friends, who stood by me through the absolute worst of times. I have my spirituality to harness and build upon. I am here now to make my mark on this world and when I’m finished, it will be forever changed for the better.