It Begins and Then…Just, Ends.

Well it’s a Saturday night and here I am in the comfort (or maybe that’s half discomfort too) of my isolation looking to ramble away again with a desire to produce something interesting for readers.

I could describe my mood as unusual and if I were to physically describe it, it would be like I want to reach deep into my body, sliding between all the grime, bones and what not to pull out something remarkable that has some kind of enigma to it. Something worth exploring to find deeper insight into the nature of simply being. It gets tiring though; there’s only so much worth you can find from your own psyche without contributing more experiences to it and finding more evolved ways to live your life.

Part of being in isolation and solitude does cause you to shut down, close up and start to lose your mind to depression and other such things, but the other side is that you find an element of spirit that is unmoved, always thriving and ready to produce anything that you would ever need – if only you can hang on to it. It’s that life force that you can rely on, no matter what situation you are in and no matter what you experience – if only you can remember that it’s there. The calm, present entity that we see as ourselves existing there constantly, even after death in this material realm if you so believe.

Yet we’re a species that always wants more. Even if we have everything we need it can never be enough, because we’re designed to evolve and move forward in some sort of direction to “better” ourselves…….and I would like to see this as what we’re all here to actually accomplish. As much as I want solid answers in my soul searching, I’m inclined to believe there is a greater living construct out there that we’re all tied to and it’s this construct or maybe it’s better to say “living entity” that will benefit from our collective worlds that we all create for ourselves. Because it is like our own universe when we delve deep enough inside to discover what is really going on. We could house our own universe to help expand the existing one, readying it for further life capable of existing due to our new contribution.

Well there’s a lot of maybes, could bes and what ifs for one post.

Coming back to what we consider reality, I’m looking for something that answers the seemingly unanswerable questions still because if all we need to do is to keep breathing to accomplish our original designed outcome, then I need to know why it was necessary in the first place. Having a life in itself is not enough to constitute a reason.

Then we come back to that unmoved spirit – that we look to hang on to and remember is there and all those rambled thoughts dissolve.

So there is that cycle of birth and rebirth as permeating the world around us.

Another ramble ends.

T=M

The Solace of Human Kindness

As frustrated as I was the other day I can say that this early morning I do value the company of people going through different but yet somehow similar struggles and the company of people coming together for a common hobby.

The beauty of what I learnt in helping run a general mental health peer support group in the past was that regardless of the unique personal journey that someone had come down, there was always something that that person could find within the journey to relate with and connect to other people who had something different to tell. There’s common themes within that struggle, whether it be depression, anxiety or “psychosis” and so on, that all come back to the essence of being human. It’s the human condition that we can all identify with and it’s that which brings us together to feel less alone and want to help one another. It’s something that I can easily forget when I feel lost in the world and setting up a peer support group again is something which I feel strongly about in these coming weeks.

In other news I’ve been given one of my older anti-psychotics to replace my new (but ancient in the history of meds) anti-psychotics due to the side effects being preferable with my older one. There’s a transition period where I have to take both, but so far I haven’t minded the side-effects. In all this I met the Psychiatrist that currently resides at my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) for the first time and we got on well enough as far as doctors go. Part of me wants to tough it out on the medication, part of me wants to be free of it. I think if I spent more time in nature and had more holistic options to help myself I’d be better for it and get a stronger sense of spirit, which I have lacking right now.

There’s a danger to be superficial and absurd when it comes to spiritual beliefs and I’m doing my best to remain connected to something grander than myself based on my own personal lived experiences rather than relating everything to something created by man as a means to make sense of the world. What I mean is that rather than accepting something as accurate and true from a spiritual source based on age old mysticism or elaborate systems and methods of working based on nothing grounded in actual research, I want to accept something that I can see working in action and feel with my own senses, perceptions and way of being. If I record something I want it to be as genuine as possible.

Psychiatry doesn’t allow so much for the pure experience found in what they call psychosis to express itself without medication in a safe environment. There are projects such as Soteria House here in the UK, which has once been established in the US, which offers the kind of environment for people with little to no medication which is very much needed, but to have something that caters for people who wish to make sense of their experience on a spiritual level is where I feel there needs to be something established. It comes back to having a unique therapeutic working relationship with a specifically tailored kind of Psychotherapy and a team to support that.

Of course beggars can’t be choosers and here on the NHS we have to accept the only kind of sanctuary that’s available when things go awry – that of a Psychiatric hospital where medication is compulsory and forced on patients if they refuse, along with the idea of Electro-Convulsive Therapy still being used.

I can only hope to one day live in a western world where what I “suffer” from is not considered as a disease or sickness, but as a profound condition for greater learning and understanding of the human condition that should be allowed to run it’s course if the individual so chooses. Until then, being there for my fellow human on that different but similar journey is where I’ll have to be.

Come to the Edge, but not Too Far.

Soooooo….how is it going in my world, some might wonder.

Well, I’ve been taking on a lot more since I got out of hospital and it’s kind of been a test to see what is too much to take on and where the line is to draw for me, where I need to stop myself from breaking. I’m sure now that I’ve had that realisation; that point where I can safely say “I’m ok hanging here for now, thanks”.

I recently got myself into a romantic relationship, which I’m very excited and happy about. I feel blessed to find someone I can talk to about anything for long periods of time and share intimate moments. Plus an interesting thing happened between us lately. We were both seeing the numbers 11:11 and other such recurring numbers. She would see 16 in numerous places and I would see things like 12:12 and other combinations of the same numbers. I know some of this is related to Angels and other such things, which is fascinating to read and research about if you haven’t.

As far as Psychiatry goes, I’m looking to meet with someone from my local mental health team to receive an appointment for the Psychiatrist to discuss my medication. I am not “Psychotic” any more so I don’t feel I should have to take anti-psychotics indefinitely, which one Psychiatrist at the mental health team actually said to me before now (a rare good guy among doctors). I’m also meeting with the worker from the mental health team to discuss a move to a new place. I requested a change of housing about two years ago, due to my place being detrimental to my health (being claustrophobic and making me feel trapped) and I have finally come to the top of the list to be given an alternative. I can only hope it will be more suitable and not a waste of precious time.

I’ve been embracing my spirituality as much as possible and I’ve met others and had conversations which I haven’t been able to have with people so much in person before now, which is refreshing. I’ve been using crystals and gem stones to protect and enhance my home and I’ve been making use of a Shaman Oracle Deck, when I’ve needed to ask questions and seek guidance. Plus I’ve been reading books of a spiritual nature too, which have started to have a profound effect already. I also went out of town to a nice shop where there were offers on gem stones and other helpful items, where I met the owner again and another guy who’s a Buddhist practitioner who I met many years ago. At that time I was out on temporary leave from the local Psychiatric hospital when I met him. It was a nice reconnection. Generally I feel more in-tune with the natural order of things, as opposed to the sick society and it’s people that I see around me. I have faith that this is a year for change where people will start to wake up more and realise enough is enough – we need to start doing a better job for ourselves and Mother Earth.

Only time will tell of course.

T=M

A Step in a Unified Direction

Since I’ve come out of hospital, things have been exciting and unexpected beyond belief. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I can create a way of living for myself.

The mental health services have simply left me alone to get on with things, for better or worse, which I’ve come to expect now – but I am fine with that to an extent. Some of the experiences I’ve had since coming out of hospital some people would believe, others would think I’m insane. Like, for example, I saw a light being while I was out one night which is definitely ET in it’s origin….but hey, I’m crazy right? Who would believe me. Some actually do.

I’ve also been having some better connections with people that I know I can work with on some level, whether it be spiritual or otherwise. I want to do good and be the best version of myself I can be. The path I walk shows others the path they can also choose to walk if they wish. There’s never any pressure for this, I am about gentle steps in this evolutionary process that we all face this year.

On other spiritual matters, I’ve been connecting with my higher self a lot more with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I get mixed messages to test me and other times it’s outright interference. I am working on bettering myself there. I’m also working on a novel based on various spiritual themes and beliefs that have already come before and I’m also looking to do charity work in-line with my higher self. Now is that time to start making a difference before it’s too late. We can’t simply sit by and do nothing in this time of change.

Saying all that, it’s been important for me to rest. I have challenges with the medication I take, but I will work on cutting it down with the mental health team which I will contact and ask for assistance (even though I am knowledgeable enough to do it myself). I would rather people are given reassurance rather than feel uncomfortable or forced to take action from a place of fear.

I seek perfect balance and calm in my life from now on.

T=M

Further down the Rabbit Hole

Below is something I typed in hospital which I have recently been released from. I was in there approximately one month. I had a spirit walk before going in, which is why some of my previous posts are a little inaccurate.

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These past four weeks or so I have been sectioned by law to a private Psychiatric hospital after I went on yet another Spirit walk (which is what I am calling my ‘psychosis’).

With the utmost clarity, it has become clear that these places are needed in order to evolve spiritually. It may seem challenging at first, going through extreme behaviour, due to your rights and privileges being taken away and medication being used, however what you gain in spite of that is solid connections between other “gifted” people on their very own journey and the exploration of your own. The patients always make the place and they always have something of great value to bring to relationships, even a simple acquaintance with a friendly gesture.

In my time here, I have met people who are multi-talented in a number of fields, including (of course) science and spirituality. What I have noticed is how strong someone’s faith can be and how the people here are in some way are connected deeply to a divine source, which they express. wholeheartedly The ones who find themselves lost are the ones still seeking that divinity.

There is also a huge amount of what has been coined “synchronicities” by new age beliefs, but there is something to it. For example, I met someone recently who has been in exactly twice as many hospitals as I have, and I have been in seven different places. The similarities don’t stop there. Something as universal as music brings us all together to communicate in ways we cannot readily express ourselves and it is very telling of where people are at in themselves too. I had the opportunity (on the initial ward that I came into which was an intensive care one) to play guitar and sing with two other people both especially gifted in music. Gifted enough to make it professionally without a doubt.

It’s these observations that make me feel it’s a blessing to be considered “mentally ill” even though I prefer “emotionally imbalanced” instead. All one requires to do is have faith you will get where you need to be, eventually, and then you will one day step out of the darkness into a much more promising light.

Artistic Ways of Expressing Sickness in the World

Below is a story I put together while being inspired in a creative writing class. Eventually I had some help to expand upon it and finalise it. However, it’s more about my life and how I’ve come to see things due to my experiences, showing that because of Psychiatry this is what happened to me. There are metaphors and fantastical views about the relationships I’ve had, and then the expression of the reality that showed what I went through. Relationships have been essential for me to keep faith that I have some reason to live. I believe we are guided by divine influence to the people in our lives:

Title: Forever
I am 6 years old. In a world of fists and scars, it’s difficult to love everyone you meet. Yet, you try to anyway. Greeting anyone who approaches with a smile and leaving confused with tears as you go. The days are bitter with the kiss of cold, and it spreads like an infection to the souls of those who reside here. The grey against the gravel is mirrored in the sky, and the heart is a reflection of the deep depression. It’s time to go from this place. The leaves falling off their trees say farewell, telling of a story which one cannot speak. The men in green coats do their best to reassure and console, but the transformable toy in hand explains all that is necessary. They have both gone away from here now. To a place of barred windows and meals at midday – a place no child should have to visit to feel their loved one’s embrace.

The doors of my heart once were revolving, letting anyone come and go as they please. There was no thought of what harm may come – after all, are we not all open this way? It started with marks and stains upon the glass and then soon enough the cracks came to show themselves , telling of how fragile this entrance could be. Rather than the usual fluid motion that came with the doors spinning around, there was now some effort required to move through them. Then the day came where nothing could get in or out, except for that which could only pass by through the holes in the glass.
It’s difficult to know how long it remained this way. Occasionally someone or something could treacherously navigate the dangerous passage ways, yet it became easier to border those up. The door had to be removed and replaced with a wall of stone, sporadically punctured with tiny holes…and so it stayed this way as the years passed.

I am 15 years old. The looks on their faces are turned up and tuned in to the current social vibe. Out of the solitude and isolation – staring through the looking glass – we are so close yet so far away. The colour of the code blends together across the pellucid screen, awash with the next generation of everyday actors. It is almost time to leave this place. One last final exit – draw the curtains and send the audience home. Yet one voice demands to know the illusive performer. A match that could only be made on a virtual landscape, where fantasy reigns supreme. There is something to share on our technicolour windows travelling down busy analogue highways. However too much is celluloid superficial, where only one really feels the depth of the canvas. Set up, knocked down and beautifully bruised to live for another day.

One day, something surprising happened. A light came shining through the gaps in the wall, radiating and lighting up parts of the darkness. There was a curious desire to see what was capable of such a thing. I needed to see more. Prying open the small spaces in order to allow more in, I felt a warmth not felt before now. I slowly began to pull down more and more of the wall, until it was completely exposed. There I basked in the heat and felt alive again. Such a thing was not meant to last. The light turned into a deeper darkness and pushed through, penetrating further inside. It took a while to border up the entrance with bricks and mortar, with only a strange arrangement of holes to see through. I wandered off down the passage way of darkness.

How long has it been? How long have I been left alone here trying to feel my way around? Is this who I really am?

I am 24 years old. Artificial conversations and mundane musings are the ingredients for a chemical lobotomy. Finally a voice jumps out from the others and an otherwise murky atmosphere gets a little fresher. The anticipation mounts and the ride has just begun. Where it stops, nobody knows. We fast forward and the wheels turn round and round on a journey to an unknown destination. The music is the soundtrack for the scenery, glossed over in luminous greens and thick, black motorways. Love is a friendship on fire, yet sometimes it burns out too soon. From the ashes, it goes from nothing to nowhere, in search of something lost between the cracks at the core. The speed accelerates to dangerous temptations and visions outside the window are switched up to eleven. Being lost in smoke and daggers somehow seems like the better solution. Soul destroying nightmares are now the new reality and ephemeral illusions hide the source of enlightenment.

I woke up with a glow on my face today. It looks like a single beam of light has managed to find me back here. Should I try again? What if what happened last time happens again? Could I bare it?

Reluctantly I walked back down to the entrance to see a similar sight as before. I took my time to chip away at the concrete between the bricks, taking the rocks out one by one. Nervously, I removed the last of the brick and felt the warmth once more. This time I felt safe to stay here a while and maybe even venture outside. After spending a while in the light, it came time to move forward. I didn’t think such things existed. Yet maybe it was the fault of the darkness I had now become and in turn brought with me. Does anything really last for long? I was hit backwards stumbling through the entrance and pushed further back into the darkness which had expanded further. I had no strength left to close the passage way, but I knew I had to. Just a little longer here, then I can go do it before it becomes too much. I took the timber laying at my feet and hammered them across the opening with long steel nails. Now all that existed was me and the darkness. If this is all that I am, then so be it.

I know nothing else. I only see the shadows now. Yet I managed to find a candle and light it, as if some hope still exists to be free from here.

I am 33 years old. An artistic expression in ones and zeros attracts a curious mind. An unforeseen message is sent to receiver and an unfathomable connection is made. Before long there are story boards featuring machines that fly in the sky, along with ocean blankets and pillows of fluffy clouds. This land promises freedom in a melting pot of extremities. The concrete jungles expand far and wide, with super-sized lifestyles to complement them. There are four lives in all to consider here. The responsibility of adopted roles and authority figures changes from one thing to another. Night flights and self-serving friends become more regular than usual. It takes it’s toll. Promises and engagements are made, with little thought of consequence. It’s tearing at the seams like a patchwork doll without the hand to make it all better. It bends, then breaks, and what was once whole now shatters. There are too many slivers to make it meld back to the way it was. False hopes settle down as a bitter taste in the mouth. Time to move on and start over yet again.

I hear banging at my sealed door. The noise is an unexpected one. I crawl up the passage way to see what would make such a sound. A piece of wood is on the floor and a brighter light comes through. “Not again!”, I wonder. Do I dare entertain the dream once again? “What is there left to lose?”, I say. Although where did I put my tools so I can let it happen? I search and find the means to pluck out the nails one at a time, slowly but surely. This is a different kind of warmth and I’m prepared to explore it. I still hold onto the darkness, but I am what I am. I feel welcome here, not just by one but others also. “I could make a home here”, I believe. Yet I ignore something nagging at my soul. Something isn’t quite right. Yet still I continue to be here, amongst them. Everything has to fall. I am sucked back through the opening and further into the darkness which expands once again. Please, no more work to close it. Yet I know I have to – it is all that can be done. I momentarily get pulled back into the light, yet there is no certainty here – there is only doubt. I must get to work. I put up a sheet of thick glass so I will be able to look and see if anything is coming, should I want to look. I can sit in the darkness and keep an eye on things without a need to break it away.

Why do I keep wanting to stare out? Staying lock away like this amounts to nothing. I weather the cycles of disharmony with hopes to rise above them. I look inwards to look out. What do I look outside for?

I am 42 years old.

I see the brightest light approaching and for some reason it wants in. I walk up to the glass and hit it with my fist. It shatters and I am drawn out. I feel safe to now. I feel more welcome than before. Is this real or dream? I can no longer tell. It feels better to be here. Can I just stay here? Yet the darkness speaks to me. It tells me to worry. It tells me that it will just end like before. Will it end? I think it’s right. As wonderful as all this seems, something isn’t quite right. I am not quite myself and myself fears itself to be lost. It is so cosy here though. I don’t wish to go back. Suddenly the skies grey and the clouds blacken the sky. My darkest moment has come and I must walk back into my solitary unravelling. All that can be done now is to seal the entrance forever. I weld the strong steel barrier together and take my candle to the furthest depths of the darkness. I accept that I have to be here now and maybe, just maybe, when I have figured out what I am suppose to do, I will take back my actions. Yet hope is smaller than this flame I hold and the wax is running down.

I feel at peace here now. It’s almost time to leave. If only I knew my way back out and how to take down that cold metal in my way.

The candle is gone, yet the hope remains. The flame I once looked upon outside myself, now resides inside me. I take my time to walk up the passage ways, illuminating all that there is here. I see how much that I have learned from gazing at the carvings on the walls and….I now understand. I know that this darkness was not meant to be shut away for good. It has a place in the light, just as I do. If I am to be accepted and taken for who I am, then all this must be also.

I near the doorway and walk up to it. I reach out and place my hands flat across it’s cold surface and allow the heat to flow through and from me. It permeates the doorway and slowly the molten metal returns to the ground. I look back out into the light and see clearly for what seems like the first time. There are so many orbs of light here. I watch them pass by without noticing me, swimming along going to who knows where. I feel safe leaving the passage way completely open, yet I have grown fond of doorways. I visualise indestructible panels which are free to swing inwards or outwards and then construct them with my mind’s eye. I am happy for others to come and go as they please now, yet it will require those of a special and unique quality to open them.

Soon after I have finished, the most wonderful and mysterious orb of light enters and takes a look around. It stays a while, curious to know what it all means. Then it comes close to me to stare at the flame I hold. It beckons me to follow it out into the light and I am very happy to oblige. I’m curious to know how such a beauty came to be.

We walk along out in the open space and I feel a calm sense of freedom, while at the same time a childish amazement. It’s like breathing in fresh air and being reborn.

In the distance, I see the doors to the heart of another. It looks especially strong, and the pattern formed across them tells of a story full of complexity and hardship. The orb of light whistles by me and glides through the entrance. A figure emerges between the doors – their head pokes through to take a look at me. I am drawn closer and feel excited to learn more. I am given the signal to approach and come in. I smile and skip along, softly pushing through the doorway.

When inside I look around in awe. There is so much I wish to know here which is unfamiliar to me – yet at the same time, there is much that resembles the carvings on my own walls. I am filled with joy to witness all this – it is both a privilege and an honour to be here. I want to stay here for as long as I am allowed to and to discover everything that there is to see.

It may take me a lifetime, but I have all the time I need now.

After all, what I have is forever.

How I Envision our Future Together

Michael Tellinger : Ancient technology and the Ubuntu movement

Having been through what I have, I eventually somehow found myself upon this presentation, which led me to learn about about Contributionism.

I delved deep into it and found it to connect to my way of seeing things when I find myself in oneness with that unconditional love that resides inside all of us.
I would encourage others to watch it and then do some exploring of your own to see if you envision a future like this.

Also, for those who would prefer to read about it, there is this link:

Ubuntu Liberation Movement

T=M

The Afteraffects of Anti-Depressants

I posted this on a social networking site called ‘Experience Project’ recently. I find the place useful because I can piece together what happened to me from going through the events. Plus the people who do engage can be most helpful in getting each other where they need to go.

“About 13 years ago I had a particularly profound experience where I had my mind blown apart and expanded beyond all conceivable limits by a terrible reaction from the withdrawal of an anti-depressant medication. Ever since then I have had periods of altered states of reality on almost a yearly basis.
When my mind was blown away, it felt like the very core of who I was disintegrated into fine grains of something intangible and ever since then it’s been a journey to pull that core back to something whole.
Each time I feel I am getting closer to being put back together, truly whole within myself, I have a habit of unravelling and drifting back again into an altered state of reality once more.
Yet being on places such as EP, interacting and observing others for a length of time reminds me of what I am ultimately looking to become.
I remember the experience of being unconditional love. I remember what it means to feel fully present in the this constant moment of existence. I remember that there is that sense of being fully connected to all that happens in the “now” of the world we perceive. I can recall the memories I need to help give that insight to convey what I wish to describe.
It’s at this point, clarity returns. You start to think of what it means to be a complete person and in doing so you can start to think of devoting more of yourself to others.
You can start to explore genuine selflessness.
However the key is possibly the ability to sustain that state of wholeness in order to devote a life to helping others. You only need what brings that equilibrium to be healthy.
This is now the challenge once again. I consider this coming new year as a fresh start with a clean slate full of possibility. A way to end one cycle and bring about another. One that leaves behind any fragmentation and instead sees things as a unified whole.
With this, purpose and meaning can be realised.”

All the shifting about on a psychological level, seeing hallucinations and being lost in delusions, opens you up to a world where you can transcend Earthly planes of existence.

I feel it is very much real. Perhaps even more real than being contained in our bodies. You could consider it spirit walking.

There is a belief that this whole process and dealings with such things as Psychiatry is a path in becoming a Shaman. Unfortunately we do not have the skills taught to us anymore. However there are tribes out there fully aware of this today. For myself, I am still working on keeping myself together. Yet each time I come back from being lost, I bring that much more back with me. I’m hoping this year, I’ll be able to continue staying much more whole in order to discuss and post about my discoveries.

T=M

A New Year, New Beginnings and a Clearer Direction

Well now,

What a time 2015 was. In my exploration of self and being, I’ve finally come out with a clearer idea of how to push forward with this here rambling thingy.

Far too many people are out there right now are looking for a way to have a fulfilling life. I mean, when I say “fulfilling” it could mean different things, but I am really boiling it down to just being able to have a life. A life where you feel wanted, safe and able to get by each day feeling it’s worth it. A life where you can go to work and feel satisfied with your efforts and feel you can contribute to something more than yourself. A life that leaves you feeling as though you are worth loving and feel the love you have inside for yourself.

It’s a small thing to ask for, as I see it.

Yet, why can it be so hard to have something so small?

Now, I am ready to devote more time to answering questions like this and explain why people with mental health problems get stuck. Explain why the world as a whole is very sick with mental health issues and hopefully I can show you why things need to change and how it can change.

I am also going to shed some light on how these matters connect to the world of spirituality.

My experiences have taught me many valuable lessons which I think many people would benefit from reading about. I believe that others have the power to do exactly the same thing with their lived experience.

I hope this message touches you in some way, so that perhaps you may come to feel less alone out there or feel inspired to follow your own instincts. We all have the potential for greatness deep inside us; now we need to show one another how to achieve it.

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