Involuntary prisoners

How many people in the world consider themselves in confinement, regardless of their situation?

They may get up everyday next to their partner, greeting their children as breakfast is undertaken. They may walk out the door early in the day on their way to the familiar career that they have. They may have lunch with friends. They may attend a performance of some sort in the evening. They may greet their mistress or secret lover late at night before going home. Some may have more or less.

Yet, behind going through the motions they may still feel locked in chains and shackles.

Every set of walls they come to reside in may remind them of how trapped they really feel, and how much they wish they were free to do as they please, or be liberated to discover what that was.

I may live a life locked away in my own prison, escaping once in a while to taste a world out of these four walls. Yet rather than seek a way to be free from it, I’d prefer to create freedom from within it. This is currently my journey as I see it.

Getting out of limbo

The past few weeks I’ve found myself becoming lower in mood, and as a result I’ve had less energy to get on with things. As of now, the only time I tend to step out of the front door is to see my psychotherapist or visit the local shop once a week. Sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to do either of those things.

Having such an inactive lifestyle doesn’t help, but being caught in a vicious circle tends to keep it that way. I feel in order for it to be worthwhile to step out of the front door more often, something fundamentally within me needs to change, so there is less disharmony and discord going on. That’s what tends to eat up all the energy. That being said, I’ve been medication free for a number of weeks now, so if I’m able to remain relatively stable emotionally and mentally then I can be thankful for that. The last thing I really want to do is to jeopardize my well being further, resulting in another trip to the psych. hospital.

On the upside, being in contact with a couple of people over the web recently has helped to lift me somewhat. It reminds me of how vital it is to keep contact with people who can mean something to us. It ended up resulting in a sleepless night, where I felt more motivated to try and take a step forward to do something constructive – hence why this blog exists. Towards the end of being up 36 hours straight, I felt I was on the verge of becoming a bit high, with the possibility of being lost to racing thoughts. While the odd bizarre thought popped into my head, for the most part I was grounded in reality (as much as I can be anyhow).

I still wish to be making more progress than I am, working towards a more healthy lifestyle. Spending most of my time in-front of one screen or another takes it’s toll on me. I’d prefer to push further away from apathy and to look to sustain what interests I still have, enough to motivate myself to create a life outside of these four walls. Easier said than done of course, but just having some sort of starting point would do.

Hopefully I can continue to keep my head above water – then bring up my shoulders.

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