Further down the Rabbit Hole

Below is something I typed in hospital which I have recently been released from. I was in there approximately one month. I had a spirit walk before going in, which is why some of my previous posts are a little inaccurate.

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These past four weeks or so I have been sectioned by law to a private Psychiatric hospital after I went on yet another Spirit walk (which is what I am calling my ‘psychosis’).

With the utmost clarity, it has become clear that these places are needed in order to evolve spiritually. It may seem challenging at first, going through extreme behaviour, due to your rights and privileges being taken away and medication being used, however what you gain in spite of that is solid connections between other “gifted” people on their very own journey and the exploration of your own. The patients always make the place and they always have something of great value to bring to relationships, even a simple acquaintance with a friendly gesture.

In my time here, I have met people who are multi-talented in a number of fields, including (of course) science and spirituality. What I have noticed is how strong someone’s faith can be and how the people here are in some way are connected deeply to a divine source, which they express. wholeheartedly The ones who find themselves lost are the ones still seeking that divinity.

There is also a huge amount of what has been coined “synchronicities” by new age beliefs, but there is something to it. For example, I met someone recently who has been in exactly twice as many hospitals as I have, and I have been in seven different places. The similarities don’t stop there. Something as universal as music brings us all together to communicate in ways we cannot readily express ourselves and it is very telling of where people are at in themselves too. I had the opportunity (on the initial ward that I came into which was an intensive care one) to play guitar and sing with two other people both especially gifted in music. Gifted enough to make it professionally without a doubt.

It’s these observations that make me feel it’s a blessing to be considered “mentally ill” even though I prefer “emotionally imbalanced” instead. All one requires to do is have faith you will get where you need to be, eventually, and then you will one day step out of the darkness into a much more promising light.

The Afteraffects of Anti-Depressants

I posted this on a social networking site called ‘Experience Project’ recently. I find the place useful because I can piece together what happened to me from going through the events. Plus the people who do engage can be most helpful in getting each other where they need to go.

“About 13 years ago I had a particularly profound experience where I had my mind blown apart and expanded beyond all conceivable limits by a terrible reaction from the withdrawal of an anti-depressant medication. Ever since then I have had periods of altered states of reality on almost a yearly basis.
When my mind was blown away, it felt like the very core of who I was disintegrated into fine grains of something intangible and ever since then it’s been a journey to pull that core back to something whole.
Each time I feel I am getting closer to being put back together, truly whole within myself, I have a habit of unravelling and drifting back again into an altered state of reality once more.
Yet being on places such as EP, interacting and observing others for a length of time reminds me of what I am ultimately looking to become.
I remember the experience of being unconditional love. I remember what it means to feel fully present in the this constant moment of existence. I remember that there is that sense of being fully connected to all that happens in the “now” of the world we perceive. I can recall the memories I need to help give that insight to convey what I wish to describe.
It’s at this point, clarity returns. You start to think of what it means to be a complete person and in doing so you can start to think of devoting more of yourself to others.
You can start to explore genuine selflessness.
However the key is possibly the ability to sustain that state of wholeness in order to devote a life to helping others. You only need what brings that equilibrium to be healthy.
This is now the challenge once again. I consider this coming new year as a fresh start with a clean slate full of possibility. A way to end one cycle and bring about another. One that leaves behind any fragmentation and instead sees things as a unified whole.
With this, purpose and meaning can be realised.”

All the shifting about on a psychological level, seeing hallucinations and being lost in delusions, opens you up to a world where you can transcend Earthly planes of existence.

I feel it is very much real. Perhaps even more real than being contained in our bodies. You could consider it spirit walking.

There is a belief that this whole process and dealings with such things as Psychiatry is a path in becoming a Shaman. Unfortunately we do not have the skills taught to us anymore. However there are tribes out there fully aware of this today. For myself, I am still working on keeping myself together. Yet each time I come back from being lost, I bring that much more back with me. I’m hoping this year, I’ll be able to continue staying much more whole in order to discuss and post about my discoveries.

T=M

A New Year, New Beginnings and a Clearer Direction

Well now,

What a time 2015 was. In my exploration of self and being, I’ve finally come out with a clearer idea of how to push forward with this here rambling thingy.

Far too many people are out there right now are looking for a way to have a fulfilling life. I mean, when I say “fulfilling” it could mean different things, but I am really boiling it down to just being able to have a life. A life where you feel wanted, safe and able to get by each day feeling it’s worth it. A life where you can go to work and feel satisfied with your efforts and feel you can contribute to something more than yourself. A life that leaves you feeling as though you are worth loving and feel the love you have inside for yourself.

It’s a small thing to ask for, as I see it.

Yet, why can it be so hard to have something so small?

Now, I am ready to devote more time to answering questions like this and explain why people with mental health problems get stuck. Explain why the world as a whole is very sick with mental health issues and hopefully I can show you why things need to change and how it can change.

I am also going to shed some light on how these matters connect to the world of spirituality.

My experiences have taught me many valuable lessons which I think many people would benefit from reading about. I believe that others have the power to do exactly the same thing with their lived experience.

I hope this message touches you in some way, so that perhaps you may come to feel less alone out there or feel inspired to follow your own instincts. We all have the potential for greatness deep inside us; now we need to show one another how to achieve it.

A new waypoint laid down

I finally started work on my book today and I feel relieved that I’ve actually been able to sit down and start typing it out at last.

In some respects it was easy to go over some old wounds while recounting early memories, but in other respects it made me wonder if I have enough detail to write much of a book. “How long is this finally going to be?” I asked myself as I worked on the first few pages. “What is relevant to put in and what is not?” I thought. I guess for now it’s more a case of getting down what I do remember and waiting to see which areas of my life have more to say. If it only amounts to 100 pages then so be it. I’ll find a way some how to bring it more up to book standard size.

I also started work on a novel before sitting down to do the book. I figure a good escape from examining and analysing my life to put into words is to write about one that doesn’t exist anywhere else but on the computer screen. I like the idea that I can create a story where I set where the traumas are. Where I can make something fantastical from my own imagination without touching too much on the tragedy of my life history. The novel is about a man that has lived his whole life experiencing possession by some unknown force which makes him do things without his own will. It’s been inspired from my own experiences during psychosis.

So now I’ve set myself the task of writing these two books, I wonder if I’ve got it in me to complete them. I read somewhere once about so many people who start but never finish. Hopefully I don’t end up in that percentile.

T=M

Moving Ahead

Well I’m on the verge of starting to write a book about my experiences with the world of mental health, whether it be my own life, my parents life or others I’ve encountered – including things like the Psychiatric system, to a point.

While I have my doubts about whether it will be worthwhile anyone else reading, I figure it would lay some things to rest about what I’ve been through and witnessed. The hope there is for some catharsis at the end of it.

Much like in the spirit of my last point, I don’t care if it takes me something like 20 years to complete as long as I can write enough pages to make it worth of self-publication.

That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

T=M

 

Rebirth and Reflection

A lot can happen in a minute, an hour, or a day – so three years can mean something special to a person.

Many blogs come and go without really scratching the surface of the doorway to a group of people the author would like to reach. Many people would say “that is that” and be done with it. I’m one to think long term beyond what may or may not be possible.

Thoughts change, attitudes alter. Life continues to throw experiences at us that shape the fabric of who we are from the tiniest molecule up and outwards.

The inner world of our lives becomes richer and more diverse, after new boundaries are pushed and explored, leading to areas of ourselves we never thought could ever exist.

We find a new age of what it means to be the person we are slowly becoming and how to follow the path to become what we assumed was only a faded idea of something dream like.

That, to anyone who reads this, is where I am at right now. Looking to move forward from what has come before to what lies ahead, baring in mind there is still the present moment to be concerned with. A present moment to not be exploited in favour of wishful thinking.

What has come before in the blog itself will be referred back to at some point, I’m sure. However it will be seen in a new light and from a new perspective as it continues. The previous entries of the blog, in their culmination, have been an anchor forming a stepping stone, which I am sure will be the first of many to come over the years. It’s been a long path, with many more to navigate ahead, however with where I want to get to it’ll surely be worth it.

T=M

A walk down a darkened street

I figure it worth to write this entry while I’m currently holding on to some anger and resentment.

I’m frustrated, yet again, with the desire that my heart seems to want above all else. No matter how I try to work on this particular desire, or let it go, do anything whatsoever with it – it’s there ready to beat the hell out of me when it is not fulfilled. Desire is a cruel and wicked thing. It would sooner have myself destroyed that remain unfulfilled. The anger bubbles up and what are you suppose to do with it? Let it act out? Push it on others? Keep holding it on to yourself? None of it works as long as that desire keeps nagging away at the core of your soul. Surely there is a way to find peace with it, once and for all. A way of reconciliation. How long is it going to take? A lifetime!!???

Looking for freedom in all the wrong places, because the place that you would think it was – internally – is hidden. How do you reveal something always shrouded in some form of invisible cloak? Once one way of pulling back the cloak is found, it finds another. An endless chase. This is why people end their lives, to be free from this sadistic kind of emotional mind game.

Once you discover your hell on Earth, is there ever a way back from it? Is there not a way to be free from condemnation other than self annihilation?

I would do best to remain optimistic, despite how easy it would be to fall into pessimism. Because after all, isn’t that what is expected of us? Be happy, have fun and enjoy life – if you can!

 

 

Do you like what you see?

Lately the question of morality has started to play on my mind.

Areas of my personality have come to light, and accepting them and being at peace with them is of a great challenge. We’re set the standards for what is “right” and “wrong” by the world outside of ourselves, but when that doesn’t fit with what we’ve come to experience for ourselves, the lines get blurred, and lost in a cloud of grey. I know I have traits that are looked down upon, but they still need to be expressed, some how. It’s a case of finding a healthy outlet for the ugly, or maybe exploring if it’s really that ugly in the first place.

A battle of desire, really.

 

Batteries not included

I’ve recently come out of a particularly dark week, where it was common to have imagery of self destruction and complete hopelessness.

I managed to work through it and seem to have come out on top much better.

I’ve been pulled out of my comfort zone, by spending more time outside, doing different tasks and socializing. There is this sense of something inherently wrong or unsettling by doing what most would consider just ordinary. There is this perpetual tension going on inside and I can’t quite place why. Perhaps because I have desires and needs that are harder to come by, or maybe I’m expecting too much of myself and others. It could be that I’m waiting for the right road to turn down to open up the greater possibility of development. It’s like every step I take, there is a cross road under my feet and none of the directions have any appeal. I can listen to others, take interest, join in – but I feel little effect from it. My actions have no weight to them – they feel empty and lifeless.

It’s like being a man made machine, or robot, with an emotion chip built in – but not quite.

It’s a challenge to feel like a functional human being.

I’m going to persist, by going out and trying some new activities and see if anything new comes to light.

 

 

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