It Would be Wrong to Call You Friend

Dear Depression,

We’ve known each other for most of our lives now, but I wish I could say that I’ve enjoyed your company along the way. The harsh reality is that you’re always there when I’m at my worst, a familiar face that’s there to kick me when I’m in need and you never have anything good to say to pull me up from the hole I’m in. Yet we’re still inseparable, like I need someone around to keep punishing me for the crimes I believe I’ve committed. Why do you always bring up my most painful memories? Why do you remind me of my inadequacies and my inability to persevere with my goals? Why do you lie to me about how I see myself, turning my better qualities into illusions or fabrications? You’re a cruel perpetrator, unrelenting in the wicked game you like to play.

Despite all that, when you’re gone I do appreciate what I’ve managed to cultivate from the pain and suffering you’ve shown me. I have a greater appreciation for the world I live in and the people that truly matter to me. You remind me that without you there’s a reason to be kinder to my fellow man, in case you or someone like you is choosing them now as the victim or because you have spent time torturing them in the past. They too can understand what it means to be free of you and to foster compassion and empathy for others who struggle in this world, with their own abuser that may visit them from time to time.

Yet, I wonder if I’ll ever be free of you. There’s only so much to learn from you before your presence becomes painfully redundant and the suffering is suffering only for the sake of it. What would it take for you to leave and never come back? Is that possible given the nature of what we both are? I’m bound to you as much as you are to me and without you it would feel strange to be happy and have that freedom to live my life to the full. How would I know what to do with that after so long being at your mercy?

Still, I know that life without you would be a release and I would finally be able to live the life I’ve always wanted to, given enough time to learn how to. The life where I see the worth in my actions and the reason to celebrate life instead of wallowing in the tragedy of it all. I hope one day before too long I can say goodbye to you and learn to only remember you free from any negative influence you have over me. We all deserve to be set free from your shackles and others like you.

I look forward to that day.

Yours sincerely,

T=M