I am I sat here wondering “Am I trying to change myself, break away from myself, become myself or just playing ego games?” and I don’t feel I’m in a position to answer that clearly.
When I look into the darkness of the blurred and confused sides of what I see as a part of who I am, I don’t know if I can be proud of that, even though I know I have to acknowledge it and accept it for what it is. How could something so deep seated be so shallow? I am reluctant to disclose the details and I will keep it close to my chest for now, but when we get lost in what we thought was healthy for us, only to find that there’s something seriously wrong about what we’re doing, it’s a challenge to know how to proceed. Do we actively make choices to alter our behaviour for the better or do we avoid situations where our undesirable behaviour has a chance to act out, or both? Is the behaviour really as ill or much of a problem as we believe? Could it be linked to a certain scenario unrelated to it but more distressing? There’s likely many different answers and possibilities.
Stepping out of my home to walk the streets of my town put me ill at ease. Getting out of isolation after being sucked into it for so long feels like pulling on a cord that screams at me to turn back and return. The world is alien and I see where I’m failing as a human being. Being a part of the the community and connecting with others feels impossible, but maybe if I spend long enough out exploring it my attitude will change. Is a small manageable, reasonably safe and familiar existence worth holding on to when the outside environment with all the potential people to meet and experiences to have and see awaits? What really matters in the grand scheme of things? If only I could say for sure.
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