Last night and through to this morning I found myself suicidal once again. My best friend who means the world to me decided that she no longer wanted me in her life. I know this is not her fault, that I was too attached, that I leaned on her too much, but this doesn’t make the reality of this extreme turmoil any easier to bear….so what can I do in this situation?
I can either dwell on the thoughts and the urge to commit suicide, or for a while longer I can say “not today”. No matter how excruciating life may be and how much death feels like an escape, the real escape is to keep going until I’m brave enough to attempt to live again. Death is final, life is not. Life is full of wonderful possibilities, for those who have the time to heal.
I say this now, only half convincing myself, but no matter how much or how little I believe, it is enough. Enough to say “You know what? I can kill myself at any point, but what can I do now before it gets to that?”. Every passing moment is an opportunity to make as big a difference to help life be that little bit easier. There’s so much suffering in the world, but I don’t have to add to it. If I caused my friend that much suffering, I don’t have to add to that and I can work on being the person I need to be.
Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I only want to wither away inside my bed. That is ok for a time, until I can move forward, until I can come up for air again. What matters is not giving up. Not giving up on what my friend and other loved ones have given me. The people who have shown me the best of what there is to offer In this world, deserve the justice in their actions by me continuing to live.
So, if you ever read this my friend, I will continue to persevere because of what you have shown me and I am so sorry for the pain I must have put you through.
I hope I can remain strong, as to live by these words, instead of merely say them.