I’ve recently come out of a particularly dark week, where it was common to have imagery of self destruction and complete hopelessness.
I managed to work through it and seem to have come out on top much better.
I’ve been pulled out of my comfort zone, by spending more time outside, doing different tasks and socializing. There is this sense of something inherently wrong or unsettling by doing what most would consider just ordinary. There is this perpetual tension going on inside and I can’t quite place why. Perhaps because I have desires and needs that are harder to come by, or maybe I’m expecting too much of myself and others. It could be that I’m waiting for the right road to turn down to open up the greater possibility of development. It’s like every step I take, there is a cross road under my feet and none of the directions have any appeal. I can listen to others, take interest, join in – but I feel little effect from it. My actions have no weight to them – they feel empty and lifeless.
It’s like being a man made machine, or robot, with an emotion chip built in – but not quite.
It’s a challenge to feel like a functional human being.
I’m going to persist, by going out and trying some new activities and see if anything new comes to light.
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